I really love teaching. I love the start of the school year. The anticipation of what the year will unfold to be. I love the smell of my classroom. I love my students/kids.
But I feel as though I barely made it to this summer. I love summer break. It is my time to reenergize.
As if to prove I barely made it to the end of the school year . . .I went to the doctor this week. I have whopping cough, a sinus infection and I need to get a chest xray to make sure I don't have pnemonia. My knee is floating (what??). I had a pelvic shift and my kneecap decided to start sliding around due to decrease of muscle of my quad. So, when I say, I can't take much more, maybe you understand.
Actually. . . despite all this, I am feeling better. I don't have to worry about school stuff, lesson planning and grading. I don't have to worry about missing out on some major event of Kath's or Alex's. I am coughing up a lung when I try to put the last of my garden in, or when I try to sing Kath's nite-nite songs, but slowly I can feel some of my brains coming back to roost. I am still not sleeping right and Dr Orsi said this is a concern. He mentioned how the Dept. of Defense has done studies and they know that if you deprive a man of sleep for three days you can kill him. So . . .I best get some rest or he may put me on something (no thanks). I fall asleep ok but then I wake up all night, every hour or two, sometimes for the coughing, sometimes because Lucy needs to pee on the stairs on the way to the door, sometimes because I want to make sure Nick is in, sometimes because I know Roger is out working already. Then during the day it is a continual flow of taking care of business. At 10:30 tonight I washed my floors. Why? Because they needed it, I have no other time where NO ONE will step on them, and they were so gross I couldn't put them off for another second.
I am telling you this because . . .mom of a child who has a disability who may be reading this. . .you need to know that some months are going to be crazy. Some days are insane. Sometimes you don't get 'things done' and you just need to reprioritize and figure out what is important. Easier said than done. Obviously, or I wouldn't be so sick. But I am learning. Erma Bombeck wrote that she wished she played more and didn't worry about the house. That is hard when three different therapist come into my house each week, two of them twice a week, and I know that they see the same things cluttering week after week. And crud in the corners. And mystery stains on the rugs.
But . . .I decided that when Kath goes down for a nap, if I can get Alex to snuggle, we all sleep (however that doesn't happen often enough). I sat on the kitchen floor Sunday with Kath when she decided to 'talk'-- she rambled and rambled-very expressively. She doesn't wait for food to be cooked. It took me 2 hours to make a pot of coffee (AHHH) and breakfast that morning, but it meant so much. She strung sounds together, she told a story. I took Alex to the movies Wed (Crossgates has Free Family Movies at 10 AM for the summer). I should have been going for my chest xray, but a promise is a promise. (I was going to go afterward but I needed to get home to take Kath off Roger's hands so he could go back to the dentist to get his crown fixed.)
Everyday I have to remind myself to stop and not think of it as 'lowering my expectations' as to what I will get done, but rather slowing the pace of the world in which my children live. So when the boys come home and they sit to talk after dinner, I sit. The dishes will get done sometime.
I am not in the same place I was in February. A mom wrote to the list serve and she was beside herself with guilt and fear-she just got the diagnosis of CP. As much as I still feel blown away at times, and fearful and guilt ridden, I see how I have made a snail's progress towards getting back to inhaling (except not too deeply because the whooping starts up). I don't know if Roger feels as though the stroke was my fault, I don't know that he realizes it fully, but one day he mentioned how we could never have another child because the same thing could happen. I guess it is. But as angry as I feel for him tossing such a statement at me (and probably forgetting it), he is right. We don't know why the O2 shut off and caused her stroke, but it was the placenta and the placenta is my territory . . . And since he doesn't talk to much, I jump to the worst ideas and thoughts.
Anyway. I am working on the healing aspect. The getting healthy, working on losing weight (journaling about it), trying to regain control of my little spot here. Everyday is therapy and working on Kath, not just when Sue, Liz or Laurie are here. Not just when we drive out to East Berne to hippotherapy. Each day. Every activity.
And I have three other children.
My writing has taken a backburner again, but I think I am rebounding. I am goals moderator for the writers' forum for this month again. I am reviewing three books for a teachers and librarians resource publication. I am writing here.
Now after all the me stuff let me give some highlights of the week.
Saturday- We went to a co-worker/friend of Roger's house who has a daughter Alex's age for the little girl's birthday party. Alex was thrilled to play with someone her own age. Saturday night Chris and I watched Robin Hood (that is our Chris and mom time, every Saturday during BBC Robin Hood Season).
Sunday Chris took Alex to see Wall-ee, they loved it!
Monday-OT with Laurie. Kath is working on getting to know Laurie, so Laurie is doing playing and encouraging activities to build her trust and bond with Kath. Alex is playing 'library.' She made library cards and set books about the house for me to 'buy' with my card, as long as I returned them (have to do that to some REAL library materials!).
Tuesday Kath had PT with Sue and did great work. Took a nap and woke up sneezing, running nose and miserable. She signed and tried to say "I want. . . " and mimiced Liz on several words. Hazah!
Wed-day Kath woke up at. .. gee was it 3:30? Miserable. Day was cranky. Alex and I went to the movies and lunch at Johny Rockets.
Thursday I cancelled PT and speech to take Kath to the doctor. Wed-day night she was writhing around, crying, pulling her ear and miserable. At the doctor's--no sign of anything other than a running nose. (I wonder if they think I make this up 'Here she comes again-she must need to talk to an adult!')Alex and Roger went back to her little friend's house and played while Roger had a meeting. Chris and Abbi came home tonight, Abbi made cookies with Alex while I put Kath to sleep.
We didn't even realize tomorrow is the 4th of July. eish. So, in honor of the day . . I might finally have time to get my xray. We might also drive out to Lee Outlets to get Kath new shoes and sandals since her old ones are getting too small and the outlet has them for half what I would pay at a local store!
Well, good night. Tired, maybe I will sleep through the night. :-) Gotta love summer nights.
*** This was written but not posted on July 3