Friday, October 19, 2012

So excited for Autumn

I love the idea of seasons and the changes they bring with them better than some of the actual seasons. For example, my all-time favorite season is Summer, with Spring not too far behind. Then there's a bit of space before Autumn, then a pretty huge lag before Winter.

I have always loved Summer. I get to be with my family and read more. I love the heat. The beach. The food. The idea of travel. The funny thing is that for the last few years we have hardly gone to the beach or traveled and after a week in, we are sick of bbq.

Spring. Open with the feeling of new opportunities. Blossoming flowers. Earthy smells. Digging in the garden. The anticipation of Summer!

I have often said I would be content with just living through those two seasons, and just viewing pictures of the other two.

Although... the start of Autumn is a bit exciting with its brisk air, fresh air feel. The snuggling time. The start of the wood stove. But usually it does not give me the idea of 'restarts.'

But this year I am embracing Autumn like I have never done before. And that's because this Summer was so full of heaviness. This year my memory of Summer is not playing, laughing, reading, staying up late, writing. I remember needing naps because I didn't have the energy to get through the days. Grief for my mom wiped me out. It took until August for a sort of rebound. And on August 1st I told myself I needed to shift things, I couldn't remain in that spot, in the heavy yucky spot. So I called and made a reservation for Roger, the girls and me to head up to Indian Lake for a few days, at a motel right on the lake.

So, it wasn't even a regular was a lake beach. Very different.

However, bit by bit I felt my soul breathing in and not hurting as much as I moved into another phase of mourning. But then a week into school one of my friends at school passed away, also from cancer, and I felt that wave smack me down again.

Summer, sorry to blame you for the pain, but it happened under your watch. You usually are the beautiful border between me and the rest of Time. But instead you walloped me but good and soundly this year.

So instead I found myself thinking that Autumn had to be better than that! It's when the calendar begins its shift and with it the shades of the trees change. And instead of getting that pit in my stomach as I had to pull more blankets on last night, I felt a calmness. And a briskness, a 'good' briskness. And the new idea that Autumn doesn't have to be about dying and death, especially when Summer already was. It can be about what you do with those memories afterward. It can be about snuggling with the girls on the couch or during bedtime stories. It can be about meals in the slow cooker, making the house seem like a fortress to the calamity outside. It can mean running through the woods with the girls for cross-country practice. It can be about hiking through State Parks! It can mean making crafts, starting Christmas presents. It can mean finally being able to sit down and write out thank you cards to people who mourned with me. It can be a way of facing, letting go, moving forward.

It can be welcomed, embraced and valued for a side of it I never appreciated before. Just as the Seasons are cyclical, so, too, is Life. How soothing is that idea to my ruffled soul!

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