but maybe this time?
I have been putting my writing on the backburner for years, decades even. I have a To-Do List (always) and I feel as though if I do not finish that List then I have no right to write. Weird, right? Ah, but I am sure many of us feel that way about some parts of our lives...'can't do this hobby until I finish this work', 'can't have dessert until I finish my veggies' kind of thinking.
So, I have decided that I have to make my writing something that is on my To-Do List each week. I actually have written it on my list for the past several weeks but I have only gotten as far as putting it on the list. It's not something that is for the Good of the Family, so it's easy to shrug its lack of completion off.
I decided I have to push myself into an uncomfortable spot in order to do it, to really get myself going. I have to say it aloud to others. So loud that no one can mistake what I am saying and I might even be asked about it (horrors!) and, well, I wouldn't want to admit to not having done it. (Right?!) My logic is akin to what they say you have to do about going on an exercise or diet plan, say it aloud and others help you to hold yourself accountable.
My goal for this week of school break was to write, organize, read. There were other things too like cleaning, organizing, crocheting, getting the cross-stitch stockings going. Also starting a sourdough starter (I actually have not done that yet during the entire pandemic!). I completed many tasks, read, and started a sourdough. But now I am here, on Saturday and I haven't written, anything beyond recommendations.
We have dealt with: two health issues, one mine, one Roger's (still dealing with a kidney stone issue); three snow events; an oil truck that refuses to deliver much needed oil (still). Alex and I have also attended 3 college Information Visits (virtually).
But I haven't written. One day I actually told everyone, 'Today, after I finish this chore and that one, I am going to spend the afternoon working on writing and reading some books about writing.' The power went out. Seriously. Yes, I could have hand written, but I didn't. Then the next day was my next day's plan. But I didn't do that because Roger ended up in the ER and I began to try to dig and chunk out the ice on the driveway for the delivery (that as of writing this a day after it was expected) hasn't come, and now I don't expect it until Monday (ahhhh!!).
Anyway...I gave everyone 'off' of our normal Saturday chores today. I said "do what you feel you need to do for the week, do what helps the family, and enjoy your Saturday." Alex did help me with the driveway, and we did go get more salt for the driveway and we picked up space heaters from Target, but we also grabbed donuts at Dunkin Donuts and coffee at Starbucks. It was nice. We didn't 'do' much again this break except hang around at home, but it was nice. And needed.
And now I come to this. Writing. I started two things this week. I started to read The Artists Way by Julia Cameron and Stephen King's The Stand. I have started Ms Cameron's book several times, but I have only read the first chapter, until now. I read and loved King's book many years ago (my oldest was a baby the first time I read it, 1988).
When I read Ms Cameron's work I know I want to break through whatever it is that holds me back. Since I am not someone who is afraid of work...and failure...what is my problem? (I'm working on that, I'll let you know if I figure it out! Ha!). I wanted to reread The Stand because I wanted to see 1) if it was still my favorite King book (it is and I am only half-way through as of today); 2) I wanted to see if I could read and learn how he creates these life-like characters and dialogue. Instead I just keep getting pulled in to the story and I realize that I forgot to 'study' how he does it.
Where am I going with this? Eish, who knows? I think what I am trying to say is that it is past time for me to stop being afraid of my Self, my writing, my lack of skills, my messy mind, etc and just start seeing what I can see, start seeing what I can write. I will not be the next King or Gabaldon, but I will settle for the next Gaboury. Oh...and I have started a new health/weight/exercise thing too.
I hope to keep myself accountable here, perhaps share some blurbs of my story as I go too!
Take care and be well,