Helllooo?

 My last post was almost a year ago...and I made myself a promise that I did not keep. I was going to write.... 

I recently finished a book my son Chris suggested called How to Keep House While Drowning by KC Davis. It was about more than cleaning, it was about how we approach some of the things we struggle with starting and doing. Well, that was one of the things I got out of it. And it made me feel...emotional...and forgiven...if that makes any sense. If you ever look at pictures with my house in the background from me over the years there are various levels of chaos and clutter, and since I always felt like I had to finish the cleaning before I could write...and well, I could NEVER finish the cleaning or all the items on The List, I didn't accomplish. Honestly, I did not have the bandwidth for anything more than survival either.

I'm not saying that I have more bandwidth, or that I have figured myself out in any magnificent way that will unblock myself and enable me more 'freedom' to dillydally or discipline with focus, my writing, but I am not willing to give up on my dream of writing something meaningful. So I will keep restarting and restarting. When I returned to school as a mom, taking classes as one of the oldest members of every class, I had a family member make a comment about how I would be in my 40s before I graduated. I turned out to be much younger by the time I graduated from undergraduate school, I was 27. But I still needed a job and a Masters. Somehow I persevered and landed with the best job, an English high school teacher, in the district I love in. 

So now that I am 55 and I still have a dream outstanding...now what? Can I find the grit that kept me going through raising the boys, through a divorce, through late nights, through a small support system? I'm going to find out.

What do I want to write? To start? This blog. I want to write about Kath's health issues. I promise to leave my other kids alone, and only write what Kath is willing to share. She is 16 now and has her own identity and her own story to write, maybe I can ask to be a guest blogger! I want to write a young adult fantasy story. I want to write a children's book. I want to write a book that might possible help someone going through life...hmm...a child with health issues and seizures? Teaching in a post-covid, anti-public education time? Being 55/older woman who wants to fight for justice but seems so very worn down? A book I would want to read.

Where do I put all this? Let's start here, with this blog and let's see where it takes me. I began this blog because I thought it would be a road map of sorts to show my 'start' in writing...but then Kath was diagnosed and it became a mish mash of things. Let the mish mash continue as I Attempt to Find Clarity.

VSG

I know I keep saying this...

 but maybe this time? 

I have been putting my writing on the backburner for years, decades even. I have a To-Do List (always) and I feel as though if I do not finish that List then I have no right to write. Weird, right? Ah, but I am sure many of us feel that way about some parts of our lives...'can't do this hobby until I finish this work', 'can't have dessert until I finish my veggies' kind of thinking. 

So, I have decided that I have to make my writing something that is on my To-Do List each week. I actually have written it on my list for the past several weeks but I have only gotten as far as putting it on the list. It's not something that is for the Good of the Family, so it's easy to shrug its lack of completion off. 

I decided I have to push myself into an uncomfortable spot in order to do it, to really get myself going. I have to say it aloud to others. So loud that no one can mistake what I am saying and I might even be asked about it (horrors!) and, well, I wouldn't want to admit to not having done it. (Right?!) My logic is akin to what they say you have to do about going on an exercise or diet plan, say it aloud and others help you to hold yourself accountable.

My goal for this week of school break was to write, organize, read. There were other things too like cleaning, organizing, crocheting, getting the cross-stitch stockings going. Also starting a sourdough starter (I actually have not done that yet during the entire pandemic!). I completed many tasks, read, and started a sourdough. But now I am here, on Saturday and I haven't written, anything beyond recommendations. 

We have dealt with: two health issues, one mine, one Roger's (still dealing with a kidney stone issue); three snow events; an oil truck that refuses to deliver much needed oil (still). Alex and I have also attended 3 college Information Visits (virtually). 

But I haven't written. One day I actually told everyone, 'Today, after I finish this chore and that one, I am going to spend the afternoon working on writing and reading some books about writing.' The power went out. Seriously. Yes, I could have hand written, but I didn't. Then the next day was my next day's plan. But I didn't do that because Roger ended up in the ER and I began to try to dig and chunk out the ice on the driveway for the delivery (that as of writing this a day after it was expected) hasn't come, and now I don't expect it until Monday (ahhhh!!). 

Anyway...I gave everyone 'off' of our normal Saturday chores today. I said "do what you feel you need to do for the week, do what helps the family, and enjoy your Saturday." Alex did help me with the driveway, and we did go get more salt for the driveway and we picked up space heaters from Target, but we also grabbed donuts at Dunkin Donuts and coffee at Starbucks. It was nice. We didn't 'do' much again this break except hang around at home, but it was nice. And needed. 

And now I come to this. Writing. I started two things this week. I started to read The Artists Way by Julia Cameron and Stephen King's The Stand. I have started Ms Cameron's book several times, but I have only read the first chapter, until now. I read and loved King's book many years ago (my oldest was a baby the first time I read it, 1988). 

When I read Ms Cameron's work I know I want to break through whatever it is that holds me back. Since I am not someone who is afraid of work...and failure...what is my problem? (I'm working on that, I'll let you know if I figure it out! Ha!). I wanted to reread The Stand because I wanted to see 1) if it was still my favorite King book (it is and I am only half-way through as of today); 2) I wanted to see if I could read and learn how he creates these life-like characters and dialogue. Instead I just keep getting pulled in to the story and I realize that I forgot to 'study' how he does it. 

Where am I going with this? Eish, who knows? I think what I am trying to say is that it is past time for me to stop being afraid of my Self, my writing, my lack of skills, my messy mind, etc and just start seeing what I can see, start seeing what I can write. I will not be the next King or Gabaldon, but I will settle for the next Gaboury. Oh...and I have started a new health/weight/exercise thing too. 

I hope to keep myself accountable here, perhaps share some blurbs of my story as I go too! 

Take care and be well,

Veronica

Hello again and exciting news to share.

It's been a very long time, almost a year and a half since my last post. Wow. Every time I think 'this time' I am going to write and stick with it, I have shown that...I do not. At least not where anyone else would see it. Not anything that is sharable anyway.

The world has turned on its side. We are in a pandemic. The girls were both terribly ill in the beginning of this year: lots of diagnoses; lots of absences from school; lots of time sitting on a couch not feeling well. They didn't qualify at the time for a test (testing was limited and we had not traveled outside the country nor been around anyone who had tested positive), but they seemed to have the checklist of symptoms, as we have come to see them since then. Things in the world ramped up with the Covid 19 virus, school went to remote learning and many cities, states, countries (not the US) enacted national responses to educating and constructing guidelines to keep people safe from the virus. I have often been a critic of our governor but his response to this pandemic has been guided by science and by data, often information that was not freely given to folks from the CDC, who initially downplayed it, which caused massive distrust of major departments. Our political situation has fractioned and divided citizens and families of this country even further in how people are handling mask wearing, social distancing, and even washing hands.

In our family, Kath's struggle to get her seizure medicine, though much easier than many others I read, was fraught with fearful moments and struggles in all facets of her life, since she was diagnosed. Staying home and learning remote, even this fall, has enabled her brain some time to catch up, and even explore her writing. She is resilient and she keeps stepping up her game. Alex is doing amazing, and after being so ill this year we have kept her remote this fall too, and she seems to be healthier than ever. She is old-soul mature and focused, as well as determined. Nick has been hit by this pandemic by being out of work. That has been a struggle for him mentally and financially. We help out where we can. Chris and Kristen were married last October, have gone through a pandemic pregnancy, and delivered a beautiful son. I haven't been able to go and visit or hold my new grandbaby because of our fear of passing along this deadly virus. Roger has been teaching remotely this school year: his school went virtual due to budget cuts, but he had requested a medical situation prior, so he would have been teaching virtually anyway. As for me, I began this school year in the school building, teaching to hybrid students and remote students, until we had a break out of cases and our school, then our entire district, went virtual. I had taped sections on my classroom floor to mark off my desk as a bubble, and to provide students with their own bubbles. 

This is the month of National Writing Month. Sadly, I am not quite sure how students are doing with this because classes are shorter, I haven't quite learned my pacing yet, and teaching virtually is a different kind of teaching ("Can everyone put your cameras on?" "Does anyone see so-and-so?" "Thumbs up if you can hear me.") But we are trucking along and we all keep trying, doing the best we can with what we have to deal with. :) I am very behind in my word count this month, but falling in love with my story all over again as it morphs and grows in ways I didn't quite plan for. It seems to have a mind of their own.

So that catches you up on those parts of life.

Now to rewind so I can share some wonderful news. Wonderful for me as a writer. Last year I was asked to join a group of parents of children with a variety of diagnoses and write a chapter for a book: What I wish I knew then, what would I tell parents of newly diagnosed children to help them through the initial beginning of time. I jumped at the chance and then per my usual (see previous posts) I stalled and lost confidence. What on earth could *I* tell anyone about how to survive this and succeed when I felt like I was still limping along? 

The deadline for my chapter creeped up and I was paralyzed with my lack of confidence and the swirling issues around me. I remember sitting at my desk, it was dark outside, and I felt so lost wondering if writing was just one of things I *wanted* to do but never actually would be able to do. The printed off contract I signed to write the chapter was hanging above my desk mocking me. I had been so optimistic and hopeful when I signed that paper and sent it off. Now, my head was so distracted with worry: worrying about finances that knotted around us, worry about everyone's health, worry about education, worry about what was being done to our country and the fiber of who we are as a people, worry about friends and friends' children who were struggling with their health. 

I wrote a draft. I put it aside and worried some more. I edited. I worried some more. More edits. More edits. I asked a select couple of people to edit, fearing their critiques, but needing them. I edited some more and then I pushed 'send.' Yesterday copies of the book arrived on my door step. I came home from an eye appointment for Alex and saw a box, almost placed like in a movie centered on the front steps, and I thought, "Huh, I wonder what that could be? I haven't ordered anything." And then the realization that it was the book. Copies of the book. The book my chapter was in. 

Nauseousness was my initial response. Maybe because what I wrote is so very personal and now all that would be 'out there' more than my blog, more than my social media. Ah. I couldn't just hit delete. The girls were beyond delighted, they keep just spontaneously hugging me. Kath happened to also receive a gift from author James Preller for her birthday and so she kept walking around, telling us how excited she was that she got a gift from a real author. Besides me.  :)

I sat down and reread my chapter and my stomach clenched more. Ah. I would write it differently if I wrote it today, why didn't I spend more time editing? Why did I think anyone would read what I had to say? 

This morning my stomach is still clenched. It will remain so until ... I don't know...maybe when others read it and tell me what they think. Maybe when I really get my self together and write my own book in entirety, with improved writing skills. Maybe never. 

But, it's here. My first chapter in a book. Thank you to those of you have helped me to pull my seams together over the years. Those who never made me feel like it was an annoyance to help me make sense of what we were going through, those who helped with childcare, those who just listened, those who stayed in my orbit when I felt like I was drowning. Thank you to my online writing group, who I never spend enough time with, but who always welcome me back. This chapter may not be the best representation of my story, Kath's story, my writing, or what I have learned, but it was the best that person I was back then could do and I am proud that she didn't just step back into her darkness and allow herself to stop writing, I'm glad she pushed 'send.' 

Here is a copy to the book in Amazon: For the Love of Our Children

Pictures will be uploaded soon.

Sense and a Story through Writing, Entitlement and Life Goals

When I began this blog, I thought it was going to be a way to keep me focused on...my writing. I started it in December of 2007 and by January Kath had been diagnosed and life just began galloping on a very different path than I ever imagined I would be on. (Warning: This post is more about writing than about Kath.)

I've been thinking a lot about my writing, about entitlement and about Life Goals.

Writing. I remember sitting at my desk at home and joining an online writing group, doing exercises, and starting to feel as though my energy and voice was returning to my words and stories through a community of very supportive writers. Then while I actually was online connecting to this other self of me, I got a phone call saying that my youngest son had been in a terrible accident in PE class, and was on his way to the hospital. When the school called me though, they actually could not get through because I was online writing and connecting with my New Writing Self (this was before we had a phone line designated for online usage). I live in a small town, the school where I worked and was currently job sharing my position so I could be home with the girls, was also where my kids went to school. They knew who my neighbor was so they called her and she rushed over to tell me to call the school. Nick spent 3 days in ICU and another day in a regular room. I became terrified to be online, in case someone couldn't reach me. I began to obsess over checking my phone, in case something else terrible was going to happen. Sporadically, I found times to write. Eventually our internet changed and we added another line dedicated to internet. But my writing was still sporadic and I always felt a bit guilty if I were writing. Always feeling like if I took my attention off my family...something might happen.

And I also felt as if  I were not Entitled to writing time, if I didn't clean first, grade first, respond to emails first, blah, blah, blah. I was never 'caught up' and since writing was just a 'hobby, ' I couldn't seem to get over feeling like I was not entitled to write.

Writing takes a lot of time. You have to make a lot of mistakes (at least I do anyway!) before you can actually get something kinda-sorta right or at least on the right track. Again, I would tell myself I was worthy, I was entitled to try to write, but the guilt would come back. Who am I to demand my family to do and continue on without me, while I tap out words trying to make sense of either my story or my mind?

Once Kath was diagnosed, if I sat down I fell asleep, or I could never remember where I left off in my story and I either had to re-read everything---therefore using up my few spare minutes, or restart, promising myself I would remember the next time. Writing for me also meant I wasn't researching how to help Kath, paying enough attention to Alex and Kath or Roger, contacting or spending time with Chris and Nick, grading papers, etc. So I didn't feel I was entitled enough to focus on something important to me again. Or still.

Which brings me to Life Goals. My light has been dimming on my writing lately and I have been having internal discussions. Maybe I don't really have a story in me. Maybe I don't have the fortitude to go-the-distance on a story. Maybe if I was 'meant' to be a writer, it would be easier and I would 'find' time. Maybe it would be better off for my family if I just focused on what they need so everyone else can do what they need and want, especially since anytime I do step back or out...whether for an event at school, foodshopping, or the front porch to write, when I return I find chaos.

(Chaos is that my youngest hasn't been hydrating so I come home to melt downs and tears and frustrations. Chaos is that none of the normal day-to-day musts have been taken care of.
Chaos is that when I come home it takes time to bring everything back to baseline. My husband tries, but he does not see the interconnections of what impacts Kath's thinking and planning, he disdains any lists I leave and will instead start an entirely new and huge project which means he loses track of time, leaving Kath, unintentionally, untethered and lost. Chaos is that making up for the time I was gone or writing, takes longer than if I had stayed in the first place. I am 'on' 24/7.)

So, I tell myself...get up early. Or write after everyone goes to bed. This is your Goal, Veronica, make it happen. Geez, how many times have I heard from people-- who do not live in my world-- "We all make time for what is important to us." That's a pretty platitude, but when one is trying to raise children, and when one of those children has disabilities and you are trying to make sure you raise her so she can exist in this world without you...there is no Me Time, or Entitled Time, unless someone else takes your spot, holds back other things for you and allows you the space and the time to do that...and makes sure that things run as if you were there...otherwise, when I do come back in, the catch-up time almost always makes it not worth leaving/stepping back in the first place.

So, what do I do? Seeing as Kath needs me to sleep with her because she is afraid to sleep by herself---she, and I, still have some trauma from those scary nights before she was diagnosed with epilepsy and put on medicine (see previous post) when she was having seizures while she slept...so if I get up any earlier, so does Kath. That's not ideal, Kath needs sleep. I have gotten Kath to allow me to read to her at night, tuck her in, and then allow her to fall asleep by herself so I can spend some time with my husband and Alex. Roger has become involved in plays and their rehearsals, and Alex usually has homework, but this summer, after the girls' dance classes and their play rehearsals, we have been watching 'Game of Thrones' and watching the evening news, discussing what is going on and what our responsibilities are as citizens. During the day...it's a myriad of activities and driving and such, and now there is a puppy. Oh boy.

So, what do I do? Do I give up on writing, on a Life Goal because I don't feel I am Entitled to it when I have such a huge responsibility? My gut says, No! What kind of lesson is that?

But my energy and my brain say, "As important as my Life Goal is, Kath needs." Perhaps there are moments I can steal and try to create Sense and a Story from writing, entitlement time and space.

There are always distractions. Kath will always need me. There will always be distractions and the tide of chaos will not likely to be held back for more than moments at a time. But it has me wondering and trying to find the strength and fortitude to make up my damn mind. I'm not getting any younger. If I don't attempt to push through the crinkly and shiny times and distractions, will I be a 'wannabe?' (As in "I wanted to be a writer...".)

Or will it be like when I was a young and pregnant mom who decided that *if* I did not return to school to be a teacher, my sons might feel as though I gave up on my dreams or would they feel guilty because I let myself be stopped? Now that I am an 'old' mom, if I don't push through and find myself in my writing, will Kath one day read this, or find out, and feel sad? I would rather she and Alex (and the boys) know that *because* of them I did push through and write...whether it amounts to being published or not. I would rather walk my talk.

And somehow, walking myself through the talk helps to fortify me to push through and make my steps, one at a time, to perhaps making Sense and a Story. Funny how writing down one's thoughts often can make more sense of one's thoughts, and make them more organized. Wish me luck. Here I go! Again and Still.

Before-Air, Normal-Air and Post-Air

Eleven years ago next month I felt my head and heart break into pieces. I heard the diagnosis that Kath had survived an in-utero stroke. Years later she told me she heard me ask her to stay when she was ‘somewhere fun’, and so she did. I always pictured that was when she had the stroke and she decided to ‘stay with me’ because I asked. I still think that she made a choice to stay, even if the origin story may have altered; yesterday we got some answers to questions that we didn’t even know we had.

And my head and heart broke again. The mosaic pieces that had fused together into our new reality for the past 11 years, shifted and shoved, fracturing again, until I felt breathless and paralyzed all over again.

Let me back-up. Last spring Kath started to have blurry vision episodes. At first I thought she just needed to learn how to blink out sleep, I often have to walk her through learning how to do tasks that come more naturally to others. They lasted for seconds. Then the descriptions started to sound like optical migraines, brought on by stress. We spent 6 hours in the ER in June (the same day as Alex’s 8th grade formal--she had to get ready for the night with the help of my friend Jeff and her father), while Kath had tests and specialists. Nothing nefarious showed up in the results, nothing at all.

We went home and all issues stopped over the summer...seeming to prove school stress could have been a catalyst. We spent the summer in and out of more specialists’ offices, everything seemed to continue to point to optical migraines. No issues all summer.

In October things started again. She had been sick on and off since school started. The girl who flicks off any cold or virus could not catch a break. The migraines started up, but never at home--until Thanksgiving when I finally got to witness one. Night terrors began too. An ear infection. Then Christmas break was the flu, another ear infection, more night terrors. A visit to the neurologist started a ball rolling for new testing.

January came and the sickness seemed to morph and continue, she could.not.shake.it and the migraines and the night terrors started to amp up. A chest xray was done to rule out pneumonia.

In the beginning of January Kath had an EEG and an MRI and both tests came back normal...well, if ‘normal’ means no real changes since her last one in 2008. However, we planned on doing an in-hospital EEG to try to see if anything would show up if we had a longer window. All forward. Kath and I started yoga, meditation breathing, walking more, focusing more on hydration, and cutting back on activities when she seemed too tired.

I was beginning to feel like we were walking through high marshy land. I’d pick my leg up and the muck would try to suck it back down so I would have to use more strength with every step, only to put my foot back down in another spot and have to repeat the process and struggle. Every day, every step, every night, I didn’t know what to expect. Puberty? 6th grade stress? Dehydration? Not sleeping well? Not eating enough protein, or bananas, or…?

I was trying like hell to WILL everything to fall back into place.

Last week, another night terror. This week I had a root canal Tuesday, so I missed yet another day of school after missing so many days of teaching the last few weeks for her sicknesses. Then Kath came home exhausted and actually fell asleep, and soundly too, on the couch. I made excuses...she has been out sick, still not feeling well...did she take her vitamins? How about a protein shake?

That night another night terror. Wednesday morning she seemed a bit foggy and struggled to process, but I hoped she would be able to start to push through and not have these night terror things have so much control over her or to take over so much of her life. I gave her advil, made her eat protein and headed to my school. Roger drove her into her school (my brakes were grinding and the auto class at school was going to work on my van). Roger texted and Kath called me 20 or so minutes later, to tell me she had another ‘optical migraine.’ I could hear in her voice that she was exhausted and my mom-alarm bells started to ring. I texted Roger back and asked him to call in and go get her, to bring her home. I emailed her school nurse and I told her Roger was coming to pick Kath up; she called back and asked if I would be okay with pulling Kath from class so she could rest. I agreed. Roger came to pick her up and boy, was Kath so mad. I spoke to her on the phone when I had a break and she understood, but she wanted to stay in school!

Then she had two more episodes in the next few hours. An hour after the 3rd episode I got the message (I had been teaching) and I had Roger call our pediatrician. (He thought since she just had all those tests done that there was nothing they could do). Time sped up into overdrive from that point on. The doctor suggested calling the neurologist and within another hour the neurologist called me and told us to head to the ER, and to plan to stay in the hospital for at least 24 hours.

While students were meeting in my room for Key Club, I began to try to make lesson plans, figure out what to do while trying to breathe through flattened lungs. My Hall-mates (thanks for my goodie bag and cards too!) came to my aid with, “Ok, what can we do?” One even lent me her car! (The mechanics class hadn’t been able to work on my van and I was afraid to drive it all the way into Albany. Thanks Colleen!) I went to speak to our school’s secretary to set up a substitute and she even did the emails that needed to happen (thanks Sharon!). Our Kiwanis liaison oversaw the Key Club meeting (thanks John!) and I headed out the doors. I ran home to get packed and Kath was sleeping; my warning bells were now pretty loud.

We headed to the new Childrens’ ER at Albany Med--the most soothing and calming experience, especially when one's adrenaline is running high. We told our story repeatedly to a variety of nurses, Kath smiled, we watched “The Greatest Showman,” talked, and then, after Roger went home to pick up Alex from dance to tell her what had been happening, Kath had another episode, her 4th that day. The nurses were trying to put an IV in her arm, but she got nervous, then her veins seemed to disappear. Kath said, “I’m seeing blurry” and then she pulled her legs up. Thankfully the nurses were there so they could see to document it too. She was alert the whole time, she even spoke and answered the nurse’s questions, but she couldn’t see and she couldn’t seem to relax for about 20 seconds. Then it was over. The doctor who came in, who immediately said this was not his field, said it didn’t seem to be a seizure because she was so present during it. I relaxed some, we finished watching “The Greatest Showman”...the first of THREE viewings in the first 24 hours there, and waited.

We got a room at 10:30pm and I began to see that this would not be a simple straight 24 hours at the hospital. The next day we still had not seen a doctor, the EEG had not started, but neither had she had an episode nor a night terror.

I was a bit of a fraidy cat. I did not think it was silly or maddening that nothing had started even the next morning, I knew they were watching her. I also knew at this point, deep in my gut, I knew that  things were going to shift in our lives, and I could not control it. I felt like I was trying to dig my heels in and not go down the path I was being dragged down, knowing where it was leading. I was taking big gulps of Before-Air.

Soon after, before the EEG had been set up on Kath, our neurologist spoke to Roger and me and informed us of the start of our new world. Upon closer inspection of Kath’s recent MRI, and because of vast improvements in technology, her scans were more defined. They showed she did not actually have an in-utero stroke, instead she has Congenital Brain Malformations. The two malformations presented the same kinds of symptoms and challenges as what we have been dealing with her stroke diagnosis, but they also open up a new world of issues.

Kath had the EEG probes placed, a video was set up and off we went. We had a wonderful roommate who had to move down the hall when the recording began (privacy issues). It is nice to have one’s own space, but it’s also nice to have another mom nearby who understands, with her heart and soul, the bare, raw fear of not being able to fix or control anything with your child's health. I visualize it like your child has a rope tied around their waist and they are being pulled along a dangerous road with cliffs on the sides and all, and you are behind them, holding on with sweating, slippery hands, trying to not loosen your grip, trying to not let them fall off the cliffs, or veer into danger...and still trying to pay attention to the other people in your life. And your career. And the oil delivery, bills, finances, snow storms and on and on.

During this time, a shining spot was that I was honored to see two of my former students working in the medical field, how wonderful was that? Little breaths of Normal-Air.

The EEG did record for about 24 hours, Thursday and Friday. And despite Kath not having any night terrors, nor full out ‘migraines,’ it did capture what the doctors needed to see. The one time she had blurry vision, she didn’t go into a full ‘migraine,’ but it also did not even register as anything on the EEG.

Despite this...there were many other times Kath registered seizure activities, but the video showed no outward physical signs. And over the night, despite not having any outward reactions or ‘night terrors’, she had ‘misfirings’ and lots of activity. No wonder the girl is tired, she is having seizures and we don’t even know it, and she doesn’t even know it.

The doctors did not need to see anything more to know what they could do to help her and to diagnose it. A new additional diagnosis: Epilepsy. She likely has been having seizures her whole life, but the perfect storm of her illnesses, puberty, lack of sleep, has not helped her.

So. Post-Air. We now embark on anti-seizure medicines. And a whole new round of research begins as to what the Congenital Brain Malformations polymicrogyria and cerebral heterotopia are, and what I need to do to make Kath’s life as normal as possible. She still has cerebral palsy and the issues that brings as well.

She is the same girl I had before this new diagnosis, but now she has more fragile edges. It’s even more important to get a good night’s sleep and eat right. It’s even more important to drink enough water and take her medicine. Now her new normal has to be rediscovered, as does our family’s and mine.

I’m feeling shattered, splintered, breathless, guilt-filled, but unlike the first time eleven years ago, I know that those parts of me will recover and become a different mosaic. And although I can see that Kath has lost her confidence and even part of her identity '(I’ve always said I was a stroke survivor, what am I know?' 'I have e-ep-epilepsy, what does that mean?' 'I could be having a seizure right now?!'), she will pull up her resilient-self and soul and live her best life being the amazing warrior she is.

Thank you to you all, the ones I have leaned on and needed these last few months and this last week, and those who read, follow, and support from varying distances, while I try to hold my seams together. My guess, if history is future, I will take a bit before I start getting some stride back, so thanks in advance for your understanding and support.

It's November again.

Every year Kath’s birthday is one I joyfully celebrate, but even this many years since her diagnosis, I still struggle with. Sorry if you have heard this before and I sound like a broken record. Maybe if I write it out enough times it will stop taking my breath away.

I am blessed she is here. She almost wasn’t.

The day of her birth was one I remember well, waiting around for the time to leave the house and drive to the hospital; she was a scheduled induction. When it was finally time to leave, off we went. During the delivery I remember a time when I started to look at everyone and everything as if they were all far away. Roger didn’t notice anything was amiss, but I still remember the eyes of the nurse as she realized things were going sideways. My blood pressure was dropping, Kath was coming out face down and I felt like I suddenly had a choice to make. I made the effort to swim back towards the pain, my baby, my life. Sounds overly dramatic, doesn’t it? But to me it has always felt like a very pivotal moment. And I have never taken it for granted.

When she was a baby, Kath was the easy baby. She didn’t reach and grab things while I ate or cooked or shopped. She was on my hip more than any of the other kids, she always wanted me to hold her -and it often truly had to be me that held her or she would be very upset-, otherwise she was smiley and happy.

Months before her 1st birthday I remember looking at my other children’s first calendars- the ones that you record milestones in. Kath was missing lots of milestones, but every child grows at different rates, I wasn't too worried. I figured it was because she was on my hip so much. I figured it was because she had older siblings who did everything for her. I made lots of excuses. But as time went on...as her oldest brother went to study in Nicaragua and her other brother went to college in Rochester...it became more obvious that something was wrong. At her first annual appointment, our pediatrician said that although she didn't see anything amiss, she trusted her parents. County Early Intervention therapists soon came to the house to evaluate Kath and before they left the porch, they said she needed intervention, although they didn’t know why. Three months later Kath was diagnosed having survived a massive in utero stroke.

My heart has never returned to its normal beating. And every year around her birthday it gets even more erratic before it settles back down. Some of my friends, those who have children with disabilities mostly, understand, but I think most others, including some considered closest to me, think it’s just my “November” mood.

Despite knowing logically that Kath’s stroke was not my fault, I am guilt-filled anyway. I couldn’t protect my girl...when she needed it most...when she was in my body. How basic is that?

When Kath was about two years-old, she stopped me from reading one night and said, “I am glad I stayed.” I asked her what she meant. She told me that she remembered when she was in my belly, then she remembered having a good time playing somewhere, but she heard me call, heard me ask her to stay with me, not to leave, so she decided to stay. The wild thing about all of this is that one day while I was pregnant, I didn’t feel the baby move and I had a bad feeling. I drove myself to my doctor's office and the nurse couldn’t find the baby’s heartbeat or register movement either. She left the room to get cold water to help make the baby more active, but when the nurse left, I had a bad- bad feeling. I started rubbing my belly and begging my unborn baby to “Stay with me. Don’t leave me.” I didn’t tell anyone that because ...well, it sounded crazy...but Kath apparently heard me. And she stayed.



So, every November I celebrate and I struggle. I celebrate the brave-little-engine-that-could girl who was gifted to me and I struggle with the inexplicable other components of guilt, of what-ifs, of having dodged a soul-crushing-grief bullet. I always strive to be that upbeat embracer of Good and Hope and Light, but there is also that part of me that knows that if I don’t give myself time to breathe through these moments, to let them be felt and then to let them go... they will fester and decay my innards, my heart and my soul. Luckily for me this is the month of writing (National Novel Writing Month) so I get to release my thoughts on paper and try to write though all of these emotions. Most years I see progress. It might be easier if it didn’t get dark so early, but she stayed and for that I will always feel blessed. Happy birthday to my beautiful Katharina.

My Lesson too for my 168 hours a week.

When I was younger my days seemed to last longer. I felt like I had more than 168 hours in a week.

Saturdays and summers were eternal - never feeling stuffed-to-the-rim-with activities and only mere moments of calmness, like nowadays. Instead they felt full and nutritional, like a well-cooked healthy meal that is savored over good reconnect conversations. Not swallowed fast and unchewed, eating for survival.

Yesterday I had my students create a list of their life goals - what do you want to do between now, and oh, say, ten years from now.

My list? (no particualr order)
~ Catch up on bills
~ Write my book, then bookS
~ Get healthy
~ Be more present in my kids' lives and my husband's life, as well as my own
~ Travel, anywhere and everywhere
~ Read more
~ Volunteer
~ Garden
~ Be a better teacher

Then I asked my students to write down the activities and things they actually do. How do they spend their days?

Mine:
~ School
~ Grading and planning
~ Key Club
~ My Phone
~ Taking care of the house and bills
~ Sleep
~ Eating, meal prep too
~ Homework with Kath
~ Reading about education and writing
~ Schlepping the girls around for school and activities

A few students said they spent time crying and napping. I thought they were kidding about the crying until the second class came in and a few said the same thing, then I felt really bad about shrugging off the first class. These kids have more going on than we may know, and possibly struggle with how to handle it all.

I noticed I didn't even have reading or writing on how I actually spent my time. How on earth will I write that book if I don't put my butt in the chair and write?

Next step was to reflect honestly on how much time (in minutes and hours) we actually spend on the ways we spend our time each day, then add to figure out how much time we spend each week.

Some came up with more hours than the actual 168 hours there are in a week, "Many of my things overlap!" Eish.

We then reflected on whether we were happy with how we spend our precious seconds and hours, and whether they were actually leading us towards our lofty Life Goals and Perception of How Our Lives Will Look in Ten Years.

I brought up that people say you are, or you become, what you are actually doing right now. We don't just wake up upon graduation or our ten year mark, like a butterfly from a cocoon, and voila! we are and we have the life we dreamt of. It's those day-to-day decisions of how we use those hours, that create that life we want.

We discussed how school and homework time is the dress rehearsal, the practice, before we go on stage, run out on the field of Life and what time we put in now shows up later. As well as how efficiently we use our time doing school and everything else.

Then we also discussed the reports I heard and the CNN report they watched. The report was a reporter asking high school students why they were always on their phones. The students said because people would post things about them and they had to defend themselves, plus, they needed to stay informed or they would feel like they were out of the loop. The CNN report we watched together showed a man who designed apps with the intent of making them addicting.

Between the crying and napping and the intense need for instant gratification (how many likes) and the need to be in touch at alllll times, their use of technology is different than mine, for the most part. There's not a lot of calmness or true reflection or true breathing time for any of us.

I use technology to:
~ check my school and home email
~ check social media: Facebook, Twitter, Instagram
~ check news : NYT, NPR, CNN,WaPo
~ check banking
~ check text messages
~ shop

I also see how friends are doing with surgeries, treatments, and children.
I also find new recipes (that I never seem to have time to try).
I find new ways to organize, handle stress and help inspire me.
I find support from other stroke moms, and overwhelmed teachers and moms.
I search out news.

My students feel an intravenous need and feed of self-value, self-confidence, self-reflection and sometimes even a moral compass (for good or bad) through the devices---those are things that I earned and found in much different ways when I was growing up.

When I was a kid if I wanted to talk to friends I had to ask if I could use the family phone, that was connected to wall, and tell my parents who I would be calling. If I wanted to avoid sitting at the kitchen table while talking, I could stretch the cord under the basement door and freeze on the stairs, but I always knew my family could hear me through the door or open the door at any moment. Oh and I could be told to get off the phone at any point, I had limited phone time. "You spent enough time on the phone, go do something."

My students have hundreds of unheard and unobserved interactions every day. Oh, except for those conversations snap-chatted, or screen shot, then posted on the un-erasable and unforgiving internet.

Their cores and morals, as well patience and understanding, are tested repeatedly with every interaction...in a bubble without (for the most part) adult supervision. A moment of weakness, unkindess, bad judgement is carved into documentation as if they were adult politicians of current day, as opposed to teenagers working their way through life's mistakes of youth.

And we are letting them. Mostly untethered, or with false tethers.

We let them have devices because "everyone else has them."
We trust they will be good, forgetting this medium has a long memory and mob-mentality.
We are also so busy on our own devices that it's become an easier way to communicate and connect, even with the people who live in our homes and hearts, while also staying busy with our own stuff.

I decided last weekend that my hands---like Granger's Grandfather (from Ray Bradbury's Fahrenheit 451) needed to be doing more creating. My days were feeling too frantic and unproductive.

So. What now?

I didn't have devices growing up.
I read a lot I played SPUD on summer nights with the neighborhood kids. I caught lightening bugs. I rode my bike all over and knew my town. I wrote stories.

My boys (now 29 and 28) didn't grow up with devices, though they did have game systems. I limited their time at my house. They rode bikes, played ball games, street-wide hide-and-seek, built forts and god-only knows what else.

My girls (13 and 10) don't have devices and I'd like to keep it that way. They are usually at school (lots of free phones, or I email the school secretary (love that woman!) and ask if at some point in the day she can get a message to my daughter if plans changed from when I dropped her off in the morning before I pick her up) or they are with me, or another adult. I see their peers with phones in their hands as if their young intravenous feedings have begun---the books, the balls, the items noticed and picked up from the ground, forgotten as the technology begins to wire itself through their brains.

Me? I am absolutely ridiculous with my use. I know it. My phone is always on me (though as I write this on my front porch, it is upstairs, far away my hands which perpetually need 'just a second to check.' Yeah! Small steps!)

This person who lists her life goals as wanting to write, garden, exercise, travel, stay present found that when I was honest with how I spend MY 168 hours a week...there was a lot of wasted time reaching for and getting lost in 'just one second, let me check....'

So, one of my new goals is less phone-in-hand-time. I even hand-wrote my rough draft of this, with my arthritic thumb killing me, but a change needs to happen. If I want my kids---by birth and through school, to use their 168 hours more efficiently, with more joy and with a sense of purpose, than so must I.

I'll let you know how it goes. Want to join me?

I know this isn't going to solve the world issues or instantly make me a better teacher, mother or writer, but I am hoping it will put the spot light of my life back on doing what's important to me. Maybe the things that distract you are different things.It might not be your technology use like me or my students.

I am just tired of being controlled by my distractions.

Look, I just spend three writing this. I haven't written this long in a long time. I'd say it's a good start as I try to reclaim some of my 168 hours from a void.

Unclogging. A sneak peak at the puzzle picture.

I felt the transformation on the way out, just as I did on the way back home from the writing conference.

On the way to Albany Airport, to Chicago and then to Vancouver and finally to Surrey, I felt the change from the all-encompassing wrapped-my-soul role of mom, Mrs Gaboury and the woman my husband rolls his eyes at to...me. To Veronica Steiger Gaboury, the writer from New York, the States, with an almost visible parenthesis around my location that apologizes for the horrible election everyone else is watching.

While I was gone, I didn't miss my roles like I thought I would. That surprised me, and probably anyone who knows me. I had said my goodbye's, wrote letters, left behind 3 pages of notes after trying to show for the last few weeks, "this is how I do it." And now it was someone else's turn to take over and I was on my way. For at least a couple of days.

Almost like a symbolic dip into a transformative pool, I stood at security and took off my shawl wrap, my scarf, my bags, my boots and immediately set off alarms, needing further clearance to leave.

For months since I pushed the registration button to the Surrey International Writer's Conference, I second guessed whether I should back out, get a refund, go another year. Despite the fact that I knew so many people who were attending this, so many from so far. Who knew when we would all reconvene again?

I was worried though because a couple of years ago I was asked to present at a National Conference for the National Writing Project in DC. It was a round table discussion with my fellow writers from my local Capital District writing group. At the last minute I let my group down, though they were gracious, and I bailed on them, feeling unable to leave the family behind to fend for themselves.

Because of Kath's disability she can sometimes be a handful for her dad or for others who may not understand her triggers and her rebalancing needs. Right before that trip things flared up and I couldn't imagine how many steps backward Kath's progress would take and how hard seeing the chaos would be on Alex. I bailed.

So here I was planning on going away again, not to present this time, but to attend, meet friends, to learn. The cost was much more. There would be much more traveling. I would be going with strangers I only knew from online. What was I thinking?

All summer I tried to prep everyone, including myself, and in-between I was cloaking myself in fear and doubt, thinking maybe I should cancel. I didn't allow myself to get excited or fully commit to the anticipation of this experience. I didn't think I could handle another huge disappointment if it didn't work out. School began and the girls and my schedules are pretty packed, how could I leave so much on their father's shoulders when he didn't know the lay of the daily land?

I think I may make it look easy. (Alex told me when I returned and she was giving me the play-by-plays of each day, that Roger had said, 'It's hard being mommy and daddy,' but she said, "He was just being daddy." Yet he did keep everyone alive and that counts!)

Finally, I decided to cancel my trip. I hadn't made flight arrangements yet, the hotel was sold out, and I had just hired a math tutor for Kath and signed her up for a science and an acro class. Alex had a comp workshop weekend coming up right after, Kath's birthday party needed to be planned. I went online to the conference's website to cancel and found out the deadline was the day before. I actually considered still canceling (just not going), losing my money and saving myself airfare and hotel, as well as, stress and incidentals.

But a friend of mine, who also has a chaotic home life like mine, told me I had to go. Had to. The family would be ok for 4 days without me, but that I needed this. I listened. (Not about going to the Halloween party this weekend, but to this I did.)

I committed. Then everything started to click, like puzzle pieces when you finally understand what the picture is supposed to look like. I suddenly had two sets of roommate options. Flight plans seemed to work out without too much jiggling. A shared cab from airport to hotel and a ride back to the airport at the end of the conference all worked easily into place.

I made plans for the house (did I mention I wrote 3 pages, many drafts), cancelled some things so my husband wouldn't be overwhelmed by my daily routine, made lesson plans for my 6 classes, discussed at length what the girls should do, how they should handle things, and packed my bags. (The only major thing I ended up forgetting was my inhaler...I didn't actually forget it, I packed one that didn't have enough puffs left to it, but after a day of panic, my breathing relaxed and I actually forgot I needed it, though I did meet someone who lent me her emergency inhaler just in case.)

Once things started to fit, the transformation began. I began to let myself get excited.

I have dreamed of going to this conference for at least ten years. I have followed the stories of online friends who went and how energizing this conference is for writers who do most of their work alone, but grow most by interactions with others.

I arrived at the hotel, checked into the conference and ran with my bags to the first Master Class. It was with Diana Gabaldon one of my favorite authors. The class was on How to Write a Sex Scene. Hmmm. I don't really need to write any scenes like this due to the genres I usually write in (young adult and non-fiction), but I just wanted to be in this class with the woman who helped me to survive some pretty intense times in my life: a divorce, a diagnosis for my daughter, my mom's death, my diagnosis, etc. I tried to absorb the 'what-would-Claire-do' factor (Claire is the main character in Ms Gabaldon's books and one of my role models) and I looked around and found some of my writing friends who always accept me to the online writing world despite how long I am missing.

Meeting up with these people I know through my writing was like a reunion; a coming home.

This experience was one of transformations, one which was the bud of a feeling and thought that perhaps my own words could become strong enough and perhaps I could write my Tabitha/Traveling Trees story and others.

For every person I met, as This-Me, it was like some archaeologically dust was brushed off and I became more uncovered and I loved what I saw. It was in my eyes, my walk, my heart, my head, my energy. I felt like I hummed at a different frequency.

I worried though that not enough dust was uncovered to complete the transformation, or to allow me to continue. It was only 4 day,s after all.

I was partially correct because once I came back it was hard to assimilate this new me with my many other roles. I returned to my old roles+plus, as though I was expected to make up time for daring to step out. Many friends asked me supportive questions about my journey. Many followed my trip on social media. My girls clung to me asking specific questions and wanting to see my pictures and hear my stories. My students were excited for me. My sons contacted me asking me about the journey. Not everyone asked or was excited, but I buzzed for days.

On the way home, after one hour of sleep, I wrote. Ten pages, handwritten. It was a rough draft for this blog, it was letters to my girls, it was a journal, so, not my story, but it was more than I have written in probably a year. I have a lot to do to make sure the dust doesn't gunk the cogs of my brain feeding the fear and self-doubt. Writing is the frequency I need to hum with. That much is evident after this trip.

More to follow....

A year tomorrow. That was my last post- a year ago! That alone tells me how little I have emphasized my own writing time. I know it is my 'sanity' time, I know how important it is but I always put it on the bottom of the 'family's' priorities (even though I know my family does best when I am also a priority) so it does not often make it to the top. And when it does, it takes me so long to return to my Writer's Mind that I waste my time circling and circling and not writing anything of substance.

The problem is...me.

There is always something that pulls me. Pulls at me. Pulls on me. Pulls towards me. Grabs my hand and tries to drag me, but what I am going to work on is my writing-- the 'thing' that strengths my resolve and determines who I will be. I try to always make sure everyone else has Time for their events and activities, but I shuffle myself back in at the bottom of the deck.

I see the Facebook Memories of This Day and I see that many times I have said this.

Many times I have tried to shame myself into writing. I've tried to coax myself. Sometimes I have scared myself into writing and also away from writing. Mostly...I see that some of the same things I said a few years ago are still relevant: I have this story. I have this idea. I want to write. I think I can do it. If I try. Hard. If I give myself permission to fail, fall and time to recover and get back up.

I have finally grasped some form of Control in my life. Things don't always feel like we are flailing...even when I have no idea where the money will come for x, y, z or how I will juggle the schedules of the girls, husband and myself or, how I will handle a regular day in our world. Things are still flailing and out-of-control, but I have found a better way, most days, of dealing better.

I was thinking back, my husband had made a comment about how I was being 'controlling'...like when things were moved or not put back where they belong and I got ansy; or when I said certain things, like meals, had to happen within a time schedule for Kath; or when I got upset about any kind of mix-up in Kath's schedule;...and I realized that I was indeed controlling about many things now, that before, I never was. I didn't have to be once upon a time. Before Kath, life moved along or things didn't get done, no biggie, or just a ripple of a deal. Things got done or they didn't, they didn't undermine months of scaffolding and work. But since Kath, there always needs to be a 'lesson plan' or a game plan or an explanation of Life as We Do It. And since I have figured out a bit more of how Kath's brain works, I have found that my 'whatever, it will all work out' way of being, my very essence of thinking, had to change or she wouldn't have a chance to be able to handle this world and its pacing. It had to be me helping her step from her brain to this world, who else could it be?

I had mostly been the kind of person who didn't stress too much over cleaning, organizing or schedules. I liked the ebb and flow of doing and moving on. But Kath and her stroke-brain gets stuck, her engine will continue to rev and she can't figure out how to get unstuck, unless I show/tell her, unless I explain step-by-step "Ok, so what you should do now is try to think of what you could do next so that you can get the rest of this homework sheet done, and not allow yourself to get stopped here at number 2 for the whole night. What can we do? How about we leave this and come back to it? Or let's go get a drink of water and take a little walk." And then we talk through the process of How and Why. Step-by-step. With me right there. Everything is step-by-step, organized, goal-setting, otherwise everything becomes an insurmountable mountain that immobilizes her and makes her shut down.

That's what I let happen to my writing, it became a paralysis, an insurmountable mountain. I couldn't even jump into conversations with my writing friends. I couldn't figure out my next steps.

I talk about wanting to write. I sit down and tap out a few sentences and then I get called away, and it's too easy to stay revved, distracted and stuck. So I stay on the peripheral and drown in the paralysis, hardly even remembering what I am writing about anymore. I am almost afraid to even try. How did *I* get to this spot?

I have Kath on a tight leash of, 'Ok, go brush your teeth and go to the bathroom, I'll be up in a minute." And then after 5 minutes I call up, "How's it going? Ok, you need to refocus, brush your teeth now." I have to check-in and continue to build small scaffolds so her brain can soon learn to go through the motions and she will know what to do without my check-ins. But I also give her, especially in the summer but also all year, chunks of "go play" time. And each summer I see her unfold slowly, at first she wants to watch a movie, she fears the freedom, then before I know it, I struggle to get her to eat because she has immersed herself in some imaginary play, relaxing into allowing her brain the freedom to roam.

I had to learn and relearn Kath's brain to help her to be able to make a place at the World Table, or at least her classroom and playground. I had to reteach my brain so I could scaffold teaching and learning for Kath...not just for short, 'minor' issues, like how to approach a homework assignment, but all the major Life Lessons too, especially Resiliency. I think I have had my brain on a short leash, always focused on 'what is next on our agenda and how can I break it down to build her up" and now I have to teach and learn how to unleash my brain and let it 'go play' because I appear to be stagnant, revving and not accomplishing what I should be able to do in my writing at this point in my life.

So. This blog looks like it will rebound a bit and be about getting myself back into my writing like I originally intended  (for at least this summer) in addition to our journey with Kath and her brain journey.

Ripples that started 8 years ago, still reaching changing the coastline.

It’s been awhile. Once upon a time I wanted my blog to be a share of my drive as a writer and a teacher.

Within a month of that decision, it became what we are doing as a family as one of us struggles with having survived a stroke.

What I found as time went on was that I needed more writing, more immediate feedback. So I turned more to Facebook and less to blogging. I could post a status and hemi-moms, and other friends would immediately comment and I would feel less alone.

Sometimes blogging is lonely. It’s like standing in front of an audience, an audience that doesn’t show its face and doesn’t give feedback other than staying in their seats. It’s a bit like Life. Day-to-day life is lonely sometimes, no one stays in their seats. I don’t have family nearby, I don’t have a support system that bops in regularly, and even if I did I probably would only be more self-conscious of my messy, frat-like house. :)

Once upon a time I wanted to be something different than what I have been morphing into, especially these past few years. I wanted to be a leader in learning. I worked so hard to get my degree in education, interrupted for awhile as my life took a different path; I became a young mother. But I doggedly continued my schooling and graduated before 30. Then after a divorce I thought I would step up my career again and focus on becoming a voice in teaching. But I fell in love, married again and became the mom to my two girls.

Daughters are different. Raising daughters after sons is different. One daughter having a disability changed everything. I still have a career but I no longer aspire to be an education guru.

Everything shifted. It had to. This past year made it even more obvious to me: Kath had some major injuries; I couldn’t always attend meetings and committees I had committed to; Kath’s learning issues will increase as she progresses through the school system; and Alex needs me to help her balance between being the sibling of child with a disability and being a kid.

I have to look at the world with different sets of eyes. I look as a woman, a woman in her 40s who has given life to 4 children. A women who has survived divorce. A woman who teaches young students and young writers of all abilities. A woman who has survived tweens at least twice. A mom who has survived tweens. A mom who has made many mistakes, but also done some pretty good things despite inexperience and lack of confidence for my sons. A mom who has continued to make mistakes but also done some pretty good things despite experience, fear and confidence. A wife who has struggled with relationships and knowing how to claim parts of herself in a life where all parts are already claimed.

I’m not often a good wife or friend. I’m not a good daughter, sister, niece. I’m not a good daughter-in-law, sister-in-law or cousin. I don’t have enough energy to do or be more than what I already struggle with.

I live in flight or flight and survival mode most of days. I live in fear. Fear of Katharina’s struggles; her balance issues which lead to falls which sometimes mean a hospital visit; her vision issues; her understanding issues; her friendship issues, her fitting in issues-her becoming a follower issues; her everything issues.

We were walking to the ballgame stadium on Saturday and I was holding her left hand, but I could feel her struggling, she had slowed down and was moving oddly. “What’s up, toots?” “Nothing, just trying to scratch my ear with my hand and it’s hard.” “Do you want to use this hand?” “Nope.” And so she worked at making her cerebral-palsy effected right hand (the one that doesn’t listen well to her brain) scratch an itch she had on her right ear. And it reminded me that…

I don’t only live in fear. I live in awe and amazement. I live feeling honored; Kath once told me that she chose me as her mom because I was the best-while I don’t believe that I am the best, I am honored. I live with someone who struggles to comb her hair, cut her food, dress herself, wipe herself, remember math facts and climb on playground equipment. I live with someone who can’t catch a ball to save her life, but she did learn to throw a frisbee and a ball, so we have hope that we can convince her eyes and coordination to get their act together for catching. I live with someone who can snowshoe, swim, and ride a scooter. I live with someone who knows that many things the rest of us take for granted, will be a challenge, that she will have to learn around her brain spots to be able to do it…differently…that she will have to work 10X harder…but she will do it to the best of her ability…eventually.

I live with someone who teaches me grace. I live with someone who teaches me patience. I live with someone who teaches me resiliency. I live with someone who teaches me strength. I live with someone who teaches me to laugh at myself. I live with someone who teaches me forgiveness. I live with someone who taught me things are different than my plan, but that’s okay. They are still beautiful, still tasty, still bright and shiny. I live with her sister who also teaches me these things every day.

I will never be a leader in education in the way that I envisioned for myself when I graduated from high school. There was a mourning for that version of me this year. I was angry, I felt it slipping through my fingers and I was mad because that version of me could not do what I needed it to do. And damn, did I try! I couldn’t be what I need to be for Kath and Alex and be that leader-woman. And Alex needs me just as much as Kath, just differently.

My career will be a classroom teacher who schleps her bags of papers back and forth, who reads and rereads 9th graders' writings, and tries to get my students to see their own value. I will not be a speaker at conferences. I will not be a presenter at workshops. I will not write that book about teaching.

I will be Chris, Nick, Alex and Kath’s mom. All I have is there. And it is more than enough. What a wonderful revelation. I am not 'giving up,' or 'settling.' I made a very thoughtful, very honest and genuine choice.

Over this past year I have had people grab my hand and say, “Hey, I’m worried about you, are you okay?” “You are tired, I know, but are you okay?” and even just those words make me feel less-alone and more-strong. This year was a struggle as I came to grips with myself and just what my plan, path and new goals will be.

I am not just invisible as the supporting actor in my children’s and husband’s lives (Or my students').

I am me, writing my awareness posts so maybe Kath’s life will be understood by those who fear ‘others’ who are ‘different.’ Maybe my status writing and blog will help people to remember that the siblings of a special needs kid are also people who despite how amazing they are, still need support.

I am still very determined to work on my novel stories. I still have my dreams of being the best teacher my students need and a published writer.

But this year I realized my path swerved again and it’s okay. This summer I am not teaching, or going to conferences or workshops or trainings. I am teaching my girls ‘summer home-school style’ and helping Kath see how to scaffold for herself. We are writing, going to museums, the lake, reading, adding, subtracting, dancing, acting, playing, coloring, visiting family, working on projects around the house, hoping to learn sewing/quilting. I am still writing. I am still listening to my husband as he shares his career dreams that once were mine too.

And I am finally (almost all the way) okay with my new shift.

When one of us had the stroke, we all felt the ripples and we have all dealt with the life shift and change it brought, reidentifing us in our own ways. We have all morphed from who we were before the stroke to who we are during our dealing with the ripples and waves after the stroke.

And here I am.

At least for Today.