Balance
This summer, I have spoken a lot about balance and
sustainability with Roger, my husband of 12 years. We are both writers and
teachers, me for 17 years and him for 15, with big plans for what we feel we
want to accomplish. And we are parents to 4 children: two sons, aged 26 and 25
who are off and on their own, and two girls, aged 10 and 7 who are still in the
need of having parents who prioritize them. Our seven year-old is also a stroke
survivor who has mild cerebral palsy, vision issues, cognitive delays and
speech delays.
Balance is not something either one of us feels we have done
well in the first 12 years of our lives. Our married lives anyway. So now,
before we head into another school year, we want to have a plan.
He has just experienced a week of the Freedom Writers
Institute with Erin Gruwell. A week he feels empowered him, surrounded him by people
of a variety of ages and backgrounds and teaching levels, all searching for
what I consider the Golden Ticket. A way
into making their teaching magical and powerful and everlasting. He immersed himself
into the program so much so that we barely heard from him: he barely responded
to texts; said goodnight to his children or me; and rarely checked in just to
make sure we were all breathing. Sure there was a 3-hour time difference to
contend with but it would have been nice to hear his voice more often anyway. And this is something he has
always struggled with anyway … during the school year, he leaves for school
often before the girls wake up and gets home shortly before their bedtime, most
nights anyway. And summers he fills with professional development opportunities,
curriculum development and overall “thinking about” school rather than
recharging and reconnecting with family as the main priorities. It is something
many teachers struggle with…balancing the need of your students with the needs
of your family.
He came out of this latest experience feeling he ‘found his
smile’ like Billy Crystal in the City
Slickers movie and that this experience surrounded him by a legion of
people who made him feel like he was ‘not alone’ in his classroom anymore and
that he was ready to use his new-found anger to make the changes in his
inner-city school in a more powerful, aggressive, meaningful way.
I, of course, feel jealous and hurt that he had to find his
smile elsewhere but he assures me that though he found his smile elsewhere, his
happiness is with me. Aren’t those words sweet?
We met as teachers. In a Shakespeare workshop. What a
surprise, right? Our first conversations were all about our philosophies in the
classroom. One of his first statements that we laughed about was when he said, “I
hope to see your room one day!” after hearing about how I described my
classroom. He meant my classroom. I thought he meant my bedroom. And that
symbolizes us. He is more about furthering his career and I learned from a
failed marriage that I need to work on being there for the people who I
treasure. Neither is wrong.
I have struggled with the balance of family and career as
well, but maybe because I have had family before my career it is a different
path for me. I had to go finish my teaching degree and master’s degree part
time while raising my young boys, working and going through a rough soul-ripping divorce.
I made sure I cooked a real meat and potatoes meal every night possible (now I’m
okay with occasional cereal and sandwiches because I am around much more). I went to every
one of the boys’ games and events that I could, even if it took me longer to get
there and drive back than to actually stand there watching. I drove to pick
them up from Ski Club –out of state—when it would have been easier to pick them
up from their school after the bus dropped them off, and it would have given me
time to do some of my schoolwork. Then I remarried and when we had the girls I
stepped down from my full-time job and job-shared my position so I could be home to raise our children. When Kath was
diagnosed I hunkered down and focused every waking moment into making sure she
had what she needed---therapy-wise, attention-wise (she choked often when
eating too) and then I tried to make sure my other children did not feel like ‘my
other children.’ My classroom teaching was far from what I consider being an excellent
educator … especially because I took forever reading and commenting on
assignments, grading tests and so on. My interactions with my students were
solid, I paid attention to the humans in front of me, I had good plans and
ideas, but my follow through with turning back assignments was horrible because
when I came home … I was Mom. I leave my school every day after school, no matter what by 3, so I can be
the girls’ pick-up, I don’t stay until the students decide to leave. I have come to the realization that I will
never be the Teacher I once thought I would be. I can’t be that person I dreamed of …
because I cannot put my career ahead of my family. They need me even more than
my students.
Even in how we handled our anniversary shows how we have
grown to value different things. I worked for a week on a 5 page letter to him,
re-dedicating myself to our marriage and our lives. He gave me flowers, let me
nap, and cleaned the area in the garage where I need to go to reach dinner prep
stuff. He had planned to make me a trellis for my garden but wasn’t able to get
the saw and the wood he needed because he didn’t look for them until the day of,
and after the hardware store had closed. We move differently and prioritize
differently.
The man who grew his hair because I said I loved running my
fingers through his long hair. The man who practiced a song for weeks to sing
to me at our wedding. The man who surprised me with a horse drawn carriage from
the church to our home reception ‘ran out of time’ to make me something or
write me something. But he made sure he did things he thought I would treasure
as a symbolism of our 12 years.
And I have decided that maybe that is our balance.
Balance. How on earth does one create a balance as a
teacher---a job where one can easily get pulled into the lives of the 25-150
students in front of us…then come home and be mom and wife/father and husband
in any real way? And write? And read? And keep individual dreams alive?
That is what my husband and I, as teachers and partners, are
trying to understand. I contend that we need to understand what our goals are.
And make a plan. I contend that we need to schedule and be merciless in that
schedule and rigor … yes, in regard to our careers, but never to the detriment
of our loved ones. We agree, at least until September. J
I don’t think that is possible for many of us—to really budget
career and home. Yes, you see some teachers leaving when the bell rings, every
day, and you know they are going home and not bringing schoolwork…but does that
mean they are not attending to their students and their career in the same way?
On the other hand, you see some teachers who leave late, lug home bags and lug
them back…does that mean they are attending to their family?
Where is the balance?
Is it making sure to maintain eye contact, that visible
connection, with family during dinner around the table every night? Is it in each
parent trading off the responsibilities of planning and making the dinner? Is
it in limiting the after school activities of the children so there can be time
for homemade meals and sit down dinners with all of us? Is it in making sure
each partner gets some time to explore their writing, their teaching, do their
grading and planning…in a non-guilty take-turns way? Is it in waiting for the kids to get old
enough to swap in to take over some of the chores?
What if we…our family…could find a way to balance and take
turns so that we can all achieve all
of our goals and desires?
Is Balance sometimes deciding that maybe…just maybe…the
balance is bigger? The balance is me stepping
back so he can step up to do what he feels he needs to do and me stepping up in the home areas to
take care of what I feel I need to do? Is maybe balance of family and work in a
family of two teachers and writers…could it maybe be about reworking the
boundaries and reworking the definitions so you can see if it can work and
everyone can get what they want and need?
This year, with his new-found smile and legion-backing of
the Freedom Writers and his desire to change the world, and my rediscovered
storytelling world and desire to be Wife/Mom/Teacher and my desire to make my
place, my here and now,a better place…maybe we can balance one another out,
strengthen one another, not leave the other feeling disconnected and adrift?
And at the same time strengthen our family? Maybe we can both reach our goals,
sustain one another and balance our family out.
Stay tuned to see what we discover.
PS He helped me edit and clarify this post. :)
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